


Exits

by journalofimprobablethings



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Barry and Lup are mentioned but not really in it, Found Family, Gen, Headcanon, I know I'm late to the party, and the whole dumb Starblaster family, but look I just have a lot of feelings about Lucretia, spoilers for ep 66 i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:55:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25289437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/journalofimprobablethings/pseuds/journalofimprobablethings
Summary: Not so much an original fic as an exploration of what might have happened right after Lucretia gave Fisher her journal, and how she dealt with each of her friends' reactions.Magnus is forever himself. Taako is dramatic. Merle gets his wish. And the Director makes some changes to their family portrait.
Relationships: Davenport & The Director | Lucretia, Magnus Burnsides & The Director | Lucretia, The Director | Lucretia & Merle Highchurch, The Director | Lucretia & Taako
Kudos: 13





	Exits

_Lucretia unveils what she’s been working on, and it’s just a portrait of the seven of you here in this world. And you’re all wearing your uniforms and, for once…you all look just so happy._

* * *

We see Lucretia.

She is sitting at her desk, where she has sat nearly continuously for weeks now, writing, shaping. Erasing. The candle on her desk has burned low, and the room is illuminated almost entirely by the glow of Fisher’s tank.

She is not writing now.

This ship has been her home for a century, and never, even in the year she spent on her own running from the Judges, has it felt so empty.

Across from her on the wall is the portrait she painted of the seven of them, that year on the beach. She stares at the smiles on her family’s faces, on her own face, in that moment of peace and happiness. She knows she has done her best to give them that happiness again, to lift the burden of the Relics that has been weighing them down. But she also remembers the pain and confusion on Magnus’s face as his memories faded, and Taako’s, and Davenport’s—and it’s all she can do to stop herself from blasting the painting off the wall.

Instead, she raises her wand and casts a different spell. And when she’s done, where the portrait once showed a family, happy and united even in great adversity, it now shows only Lucretia.

Alone.

* * *

_Not all exits are made equal._

_Some are beautiful, and poetic, and satisfying. Others are abrupt and unfair. But most are just—unremarkable. Unintentional. Clumsy._

* * *

She does not say goodbye.

All this time, as she wrote, as she made the preparations down in the world, she has dreaded this day. And now that it has come, as much as she longs to see and talk to her family one last time, she finds she cannot bear to look them in the eye. She knows what she is about to do is a betrayal of the deepest kind. She can only hope that when it is over, they will understand why she did it.

She stands by Fisher’s tank, her forehead rested against the cool glass. Inside, a blue journal trimmed with silver floats in the ichor that she has just used to inoculate herself against what is to come.

And then the door behind her opens.

Lucretia turns, and Magnus is there, holding a wooden duck painted to look just like her, but she can’t take that in because behind her Fisher has wrapped his tendrils around the journal and Magnus staggers, his hand to his head.

“Lucretia?”

It is all of Lucretia’s nightmares come to pass. She knew what she was doing, what her family would go through, but she’s not prepared for it to happen in front of her, she’s not prepared for any of them to see what she has done.

“God, Magnus, no – you weren’t supposed to see this. I’m so sorry, Magnus.”

What are you do—what?”

She reaches out to Magnus, catches him as he loses his balance—gods, he’s so heavy.

“Magnus, please- this is just for a little bit, I’m going to stop this, what we’ve done to this world. I’m going to find you a place where you can be happy again, it’s just for a little while, and then, you’ll remember, I promise.”

He looks at her, and his eyes are full of pain and confusion and no recognition at all.

“Who are you?”

Lucretia’s vision blurs with tears and she staggers under Magnus’s weight, she doesn’t want to drop him but he’s always been so much bigger than her. “I can do this Magnus, please, please just lie down, I don’t want you to fall and hurt yourself.”

Her knees buckle and they fall to the floor together in an ungraceful heap. Lucretia holds Magnus’s head so he doesn’t hit it on the floor as they fall.

“I love you, Magnus, I love all of you. I’m sorry, it’ll be over soon.”

Magnus is looking past her now, lost in a sea of disappearing memories, and she can’t bear it, she can’t bear to see what she’s done, so she turns away and buries her face in her hands.

* * *

_I’ll protect it, Magnus says. I promise._

* * *

And then Magnus’s voice, behind her.

“Hey—are you okay?”

He still sounds dazed, but the strain that was in his voice a moment ago is gone.

“What’s wrong? I don’t—it must have been a hell of a night, I don’t know where we are or how we got here. But is there any way I can help?”

It is such a Magnus thing to say that Lucretia wants to cry harder, wants to collapse into a puddle in Magnus’s arms.

But this is where it starts.

She can’t afford for any of them to remember. She can’t betray any of the closeness they share, the pain she feels. From now on, she must keep them at arm’s length.

Lucretia takes a deep breath, and pushes everything she’s feeling deep, deep down inside her. She turns toward Magnus, then, and smiles.

“I’m okay, thank you,” she says. “You’re right, I think it was a hell of a night.”

“I hope it was worth the headache,” Magnus says.

Lucretia laughs. And with the hand that Magnus can’t see, she pulls out her wand, and sends a sleep spell at him under her elbow.

“Why don’t you just rest a while? I’ll get something to help your head.”

“Thanks. I guess I am still pretty tired…” Magnus says, and he falls back, and his eyes close.

And Lucretia is alone.

She stands, puts her wand back in her belt. Before she leaves, she takes one last look at Fisher. The journal she fed him is gone. For better or worse, the first part is done.

Lucretia goes to find the others, leaving Magnus asleep on the floor of her quarters.

* * *

_You know, sometimes there aren’t right decisions, Taako says. Sometimes there’s just decisions._

* * *

She finds Taako on the deck where he and Barry have been spending much of their time as they search for Lup. He’s on his knees near the railing, his head in his hands. He’s alone.

“Taako?” she says.

“I think I’m dying,” Taako says.

Lucretia’s stomach drops, but then he flops back dramatically onto the deck. “I thought I knew what hangovers felt like, but this one is a doozy.” He looks up at her. “Could you be a dear and get me some painkillers? The good stuff, none of that willow bark bullshit.”

Lucretia releases a helpless laugh, and takes out her wand.

“I think I can help you out,” she says.

As she leans over him, his eyes drift to the table, where the corner of one of Barry’s papers is hanging over the side. A note has been scrawled on it in uneven, hasty letters.

_LUP REMEMBER LUP_

“What’s L-U-P?” he asks.

Lucretia can’t answer.

She can’t shake the image of Taako frantically scribbling a note to himself as his memories faded.

Who will he be without his sister?

She closes her eyes, and vows to look wherever she can for Lup, however long it takes. Then she casts the sleep spell, and leaves him, like Magnus, asleep on the floor. And she moves on.

She expected Barry to be with Taako on the deck, and her heart sinks as she searches room after room and does not find him. Has he gone down to the surface to search for Lup? Is he waking now in some strange place, with no memory of how he got there and no one to help him?

A scorch mark near the railing on the deck puts another idea in her mind, a terrible idea that she knows she is going to have to take measures to protect against.

* * *

_What about you, Captain? Lup asks. What was your favorite?_

_And Davenport says, I…I guess…home._

* * *

And finally, she finds Merle and Davenport in the ship’s lounge, where they like to sit and play cards.

Davenport sits at the table with his head in his hands, his elbows resting on a scattered hand of Tarot cards. Merle sits across from him, eyeing him with concern and consternation. Lucretia does not understand why until she comes closer, and hears Davenport speaking under his breath.

“Davenport, “he says. “Davenport.”

She touches his shoulder, and he looks up, and his eyes are panicked. “Davenport, “ he says.

“That’s all he’s been saying for the last ten minutes,” Merle says. “Do you know what happened? I must have had too much to drink, I don’t even remember where we are. But he’s on something else entirely.”

It’s something Lucretia never considered, as she was writing, and now the horror of what she has done comes crashing down on her.

Taako, Magnus, Merle – they all had things outside of their mission that they could turn to. Taako had cooking, Magnus had his training, Merle had his god. But Davenport’s life was only ever the Starblaster, and their mission. With that erased from his mind, he has nothing left. Nothing but his name.

“I think—“ Lucretia says. It is an effort to keep her voice even. “I think we all had a bad night.”

Lucretia leads Davenport to the couch, makes sure he has a pillow for his head as he lies down.

“Rest now,” she says. “It’ll be all right.”

“Davenport, “he says. His hand is tight on her arm.

“I know,” she replies. And she sends him to sleep as gently as she can.

“Will he be okay?” Merle asks. “That’s a hell of a bad trip.”

“He will,” Lucretia says. “It might take some time, but he’ll be fine.”

She’s not sure if it’s Merle she’s trying to convince, or herself.

And then Lucretia and Merle are alone together in the lounge of the Starblaster, and she should put him to sleep like the others, she knows she should. But she can’t do it.

Instead, she says, “If you like, I could give you a ride home.”

Merle looks sheepish. “That’s real nice of you. Do you—do you happen to know where I live?”

“Yes,” Lucretia says. “I do.”

* * *

_You wanna know what I’d like to do? Merle says. I’d like to move to the beach. You know why? Because with the ocean, the scenery is always changin’. And I want the scenery to always be changin’, man. I don’t wanna be lookin’ at the same thing all the time… I wanna see a million, billion shells… I wanna watch rain come sweepin’ in… That’s, that’s the life, right there! Change it up, man! Keep it interesting!_

* * *

The house she has procured for Merle is small and neat, set back from the high tide line on a secluded beach. It is stocked with food and drink, and tools for beachcombing and jewelry-making, and there a small shrine to Pan in the corner, a bottle of whiskey nestled amongst the moss that Lucretia thinks Merle might enjoy.

“What do you know,” he says when they arrive. “I’ve always wanted to live on the beach.”

She helps him inside the house, (“Good thing I left the door unlocked,” he says), and into bed. As she turns to leave, he says,

“Thanks for your help. Do you live around here?”

“No, I don’t. I don’t come to the beach so often. The sand, you know.”

Merle nods and lies back on the bed.

“Well, have a nice life, I guess. Thanks again.”

Lucretia’s hands tighten on the doorframe and she sways, just for a second, as everything she has pushed down inside her threatens to burst out.

 _It’s not forever,_ she reminds herself. _It’s just for a little while. This is not goodbye._

“It was my pleasure, Merle.”

* * *

_Lucretia, Lup says. I promise you, I swear, on my life and my second life – this is gonna work. We’re nearly done, okay?_

* * *

Lucretia returns to the Starblaster, and then she drops Magnus and Taako off in their new homes—Magnus to his shop in Raven’s Roost, Taako to his caravan, parked on the outskirts of Neverwinter.

As they travel, she looks for signs of Barry, signs of Lup. But she finds none.

And then it’s done.

* * *

_This is—this is life now, Barry says. We saved the world. It sure doesn’t feel like it, but there is no...there is no finale. If there was we already did it._

* * *

Lucretia sits alone in her quarters aboard the Starblaster. The room is lit by a low-burning candle, and the glow of Fisher’s tank. Her wand is warm in her hand from the spell she just cast. And across from her is a portrait that once showed her family, a family she has now scattered.

She drops her wand and puts her face in her hands.

“Davenport?”

Lucretia starts. Davenport is standing in the doorway, no longer looking confused, only concerned. Lucretia can think of nothing to say to him. She turns away.

And then she feels a hand on her shoulder.

“Davenport,” he says, and there is warmth and comfort in his voice that she has heard a thousand times, whenever their endless journey seemed impossible and fruitless, whenever they lost one of their number and spent that first, long night without them. It’s the voice of a captain who knows how to keep his crew strong.

In the months and years to come, Lucretia will close herself off, become single-mindedly focused on her mission to find and reclaim the Relics. She will miss her family horribly, but she will not allow herself to grieve, because every second spent lamenting is another second the Relics remain in the world, another second she must remain alone.

During that time, she will become simply and entirely Madam Director.

But on this first night, in her quarters on the Starblaster, she is still Lucretia.

And so when Davenport puts his hand on her shoulder and tries to comfort her, even though he can remember no words beyond his own name, she does not pull away. She leans into him, and she lets herself cry.

* * *

_Our capacity for love increases with each person we cross paths with throughout our lives, and which each moment we spend with those people. But, too often we neglect that part of ourselves in favor of others. And by the time we realize just how important that is, we find ourselves with fewer folks around to practice with._

* * *

We see the Director.

She is sitting in her new office aboard the moon base that houses the Bureau of Balance. She is older now, new lines on her face showing the twenty years she lost in her ordeal in Wonderland. Her red IPRE jacket has been replaced by a blue tunic with silver trim. In a stand near her desk is her white oak staff, always within reach. The walls of the office are covered with maps of the world below, peppered with pins and notes tracking the different Relics.

And on the wall behind her desk is a portrait.

To anyone else who enters the office, it is a portrait of the Director: alone, distant, a small, cold smile on her face.

But the Director sees something different.

She sees, once again, a portrait of seven people on a beach, dressed in red jackets and robes. In the middle of the group, holding her journals, is a tall brown-skinned woman, her face yet unlined, her hair not yet white. Her smile is radiant.

After she came back from Wonderland, the Director changed the spell she had cast on the painting. She did terrible things in that place, and she came so close to death. She knows now that this is going to be more difficult than she ever imagined, and she cannot allow herself to forget who she is, where she came from.

She cannot allow herself to forget happiness, or the people she is fighting for—her family, still out in the world, as safe and happy and protected as she could make them.

She will find the Relics. She will fix what she and her family broke in this world, and she will make it so the Hunger can never find them again.

And then—then she will bring them home.

**Author's Note:**

> The initial dialogue between Lucretia and Magnus and all the quotes in italics belong to The McElroys, and are c/o the TAZ Transcripts on Fandom.com.


End file.
